I’ve been a good girl this year, so…
Okay, fine, I’ll grant you that “good” is a highly subjective term. But I haven’t strangled my hubby, I haven’t hung my children from the ceiling fan by their toes, and whatever the cats may have told you — I have not threatened to drop them off at a Vietnamese restaurant! (Cats are crazy, you know that — don’t trust them!)
The point is, I haven’t done anything that should land me on the naughty list. Surely you have bigger fish to fry there. So, I shouldn’t have to settle for coal, or snowman poop, or whatever it is you’re giving out to the girls and boys on that list these days.
So… I have compiled a short, reasonable, eight-item list of presents I would like to see wrapped up under my tree this year.
1) A computer, impervious to viruses, that never crashes or inexplicably loses any of my hard work.
2) Dishes and clothes that wash themselves.
3) A magical elf who will finish my manuscript for me.
4) A microchip-implant that will enable my son to skip his “terrible twos”.
5) A gift certificate for one pain-free childbirth experience.
6) A one-year supply of chocolate (you could put this on a yearly subscription plan actually)
7) That Easy Bake oven that SOMEONE (I won’t say who) forgot to give me twenty-some-odd years ago.
8) Johnny Depp — wrapping not necessary. (What? I don’t want the guy to suffocate or anything!)
I’m sure there’s nothing on the list that’s too hard for Santa to make happen. Miracle on 34th Street proved that you really can do anything. And, it’s not like I’m asking you to walk on water or anything. Although, if you DO decide to do that – have Mrs. Clause record that stunt, and shove the DVD in my stocking, would ya?
Pet the reindeer for me!
A. W. Omyn