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Ever Sneeze So Hard You Pee Your Pants?


Okay, so, this is the fourth time I’ve been pregnant.  Now, they’ll tell you (and you’ve probably heard this, or experienced it, if you’ve ever been pregnant) that you may wet yourself, particularly in the last trimester, when you laugh, cough, sneeze, etc.

Thankfully, I had never actually experienced this phenomenon.  I understood the concept, and I felt sorry for the women who did have to experience this embarrassing moment, but it had never happened to me… until now…

I have a little cold.  Nothing major.  I’m just a bit more fatigued than usual, with a (rare) cough.

Last night, sitting in my horrible-for-my-butt computer chair, mucking about on Twitter — I sneezed.  This was no baby sneeze.  This wasn’t some ladylike achoo.  This was tornado force winds exiting my face!

Seriously – I was dizzy afterward.

In the same moment that my face exploded, a tell-tale gush informed me that, in no uncertain terms, I had wet myself.

Crap!  So, I got up from my computer chair and started waddling to the bathroom.

On the way to clean myself up, I ran in to my other half.

“What’s with you?” he asks.

“I just sneezed so hard, I peed my pants.”

He starts laughing hysterically at me.  Then, he looks down, his smile fades, the laughter stops.

“Hey!  Those are MY pants!”

“Okay, fine, so I just sneezed so hard I peed YOUR pants.”

Who’s laughing now?!

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Posted by on December 12, 2011 in All, For Fun/Just Because

 

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A Letter to Santa…


Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good girl this year, so…

What?

Stop laughing!

Okay, fine, I’ll grant you that “good” is a highly subjective term.  But I haven’t strangled my hubby, I haven’t hung my children from the ceiling fan by their toes, and whatever the cats may have told you — I have not threatened to drop them off at a Vietnamese restaurant!  (Cats are crazy, you know that — don’t trust them!)

*ahem*

The point is, I haven’t done anything that should land me on the naughty list.  Surely you have bigger fish to fry there.  So, I shouldn’t have to settle for coal, or snowman poop, or whatever it is you’re giving out to the girls and boys on that list these days.

So… I have compiled a short, reasonable, eight-item list of presents I would like to see wrapped up under my tree this year.

1) A computer, impervious to viruses, that never crashes or inexplicably loses any of my hard work.

2) Dishes and clothes that wash themselves.

3) A magical elf who will finish my manuscript for me.

4) A microchip-implant that will enable my son to skip his “terrible twos”.

5) A gift certificate for one pain-free childbirth experience.

6) A one-year supply of chocolate (you could put this on a yearly subscription plan actually)

7) That Easy Bake oven that SOMEONE (I won’t say who) forgot to give me twenty-some-odd years ago.

8) Johnny Depp — wrapping not necessary.  (What?  I don’t want the guy to suffocate or anything!)

I’m sure there’s nothing on the list that’s too hard for Santa to make happen.  Miracle on 34th Street proved that you really can do anything.  And, it’s not like I’m asking you to walk on water or anything.  Although, if you DO decide to do that – have Mrs. Clause record that stunt, and shove the DVD in my stocking, would ya?

Pet the reindeer for me!

Thanks,

A. W. Omyn

 
11 Comments

Posted by on December 10, 2011 in All, For Fun/Just Because

 

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He Who Walks Behind the Rose


It’s after midnight, the kids are in bed, and I was raised watching horror movies.  So, of course, I picked a horror movie to watch, while I should be doing a million other, far more productive, things — Children of the Corn.

While the psychotic children were going on about “He who walks behind the rows”, I started laughing to myself, reminded of the first time I saw this movie, as a child.

I remember spending the ENTIRE film thinking, Where is this rose everyone keeps talking about?  What does corn have to do with roses?  Roses don’t even grow on corn.  What’s wrong with Stephen King?  I’m a kid and even I know that roses don’t grow in corn fields.  I don’t get it…

I probably should have been scared.  It’s a horror movie, after all.  Kids who run about killing their parents should have shocked, or at least upset, me.  But, I just kept obsessing over that friggin’ rose — looking everywhere for it, waiting for some monster, hiding behind a rose, to pop up out of nowhere.  He never appeared.  There was no rose.

At the end of the film, I turned to my father.  I was very upset.  It was like false advertising!  How was anyone supposed to understand this movie, when the villain didn’t have anything to do with the supposed rose everyone kept referencing?!

So, I yelled, “WHAT ROSE? ALL I SAW WAS CORN!”

My father cracked up, after a moment of confusion, when he realized that I was talking about the flower. “The rows of corn,” he said.

“huh?”

“Corn rows — rows of corn in the field.  That’s what they were talking about.”

“OOOOOHHHH – ‘He who walks behind the ROWS’…”

Had I read the book, rather than just watching the movie version, I would have understood.  But, hearing it, without seeing the spelling, my child’s mind immediately jumped to exactly what it sounded like.  They kept talking about a rose that didn’t exist… stupid rose…

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2011 in All, For Fun/Just Because

 

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